Monday, December 12, 2011

Reflection and Expectations

I really love making games.

Just the very idea of it makes me giddy and happy. The whole creative process. The prototyping, the story ideas and the unique gameplay mechanics and what I want to do makes me want it more and more. I mean, sure games take tons of work and effort. Coding, Level Design and so forth. But it never stopped me from trying! I don't think I can treat game making as a hobby but something that I rely on a lot and want as a job. Nothing makes me happier but to make RPG* games all the time. It feels like it's the vein of my life.

When it comes to real life, I barely care about money, I don't even want to be in a job with super high salary, I just want a job that is just enough to sustain my living and help me buy the stuff I need to make better games and possibly pay people to help me with them.

The more I go on with my life, the more things phase to me. All this time, I've been doing things I don't really want to, because it's important. As a kid that I think was a good enough excuse since you know, I just need to do what my parents expect me to do and it's not like that's big of a deal and I really need to learn these stuff. But when you reach that point that you know your future is in the line and you have no complete control or freedom over it. And that the one that only makes you happy the most isn't something you can't even be serious with because of expectations and all that stuff.

I just don't feel anything anymore.

I don't like learning Computer Science or Information Technology over here. Mostly because I don't know what the sh*t I am doing and supposed to do. I get these syntax, but how do I apply it on what I need to learn? I read things and all I get is programmer English which is tougher to understand and translate than a Hymmnos codex in my entire life. Technology upgrades so fast and a lot of schools get left behind. Not enough people to teach about it and all that stuff. It feels like why am I here and why do I even bother? And a critical thing hit me when I was listening to Seitokai no Ichizon Drama CDs, particularly, Mafuyu said a very obvious one. A hobby is a hobby until the end.

Which is what I feel strongly about programming. I don't like programming in school. It bores the hell out of me whenever we were given activities. A lot of my ...professors barely hit the mark with what I want to learn. I'm expected to self learn these, well I guess I understand that's what we need to do. But to have many unrelated subjects that is also equally boring and tedious and other stupid real life distractions, I came across one conclusion - I don't like programming as a job. If by anything, some decent knowledge about it so I could do the features I *want* for the game. I don't want to be a computer science student or an information technology student (I can barely get wires to have that USB port thingy anyway).

Then there's the subject of Art. I want to learn art to improve and to draw the areas that I had been dying to draw. I want to make sure the atmosphere and the feeling I'm trying to convey is obvious to the players when they try to play the game. I don't need to be a BADASS Artist that can draw as good as Leonardo Da Vinci or something. I just want to make a good game with decent art. I want to be reasonable on what I can do and what I should have to do. Not mastery of skills.

When we made Princess Princess, I got this feeling of enlightenment if that's the word to describe it. In fact, I'll go far and say I rediscovered my love for game making even. It was just fun and the feedback was good. It just...made me happy. It's not unique graphically and all that stuff, it was the whole experience that got me in game design in the first place. Visuals don't make a game but it certainly helps a lot with presentation, it was just fun and something I realize that something I want to do for the rest of my life.

Too bad making free games can't feed you.
Too bad that real life is a bitch.
Too bad that I don't have enough skills and time to even learn it fully.

I guess you could say that if I could, I'd probably stop college and find work and just make games or I would go to another university and take an art course or something, I don't know. I rather teach elementary kids and so forth than just this. I enjoy teaching.

Not like these will happen anyway, having your heart shattered 6x over and making you lose sight of what you wanted in the future in the first place with broken promises would only leave an empty feeling. I'm tired of conveying my feelings as much as I want. I'm tired of fighting for it for years now since nobody would listen to it anyway. It's irritating, annoying, frustrating and adwefsfsfsa. It's just...I don't know. Life.


Kread-EX said...

If there is one thing I learnt by watching my entourage is that you rarely end up doing what you really want in life.
The game industry in particular is a extremely stressful environment and because you enjoy making games as a hobby doesn't mean you would like making them as on a professional level.
I've worked as a software engineer for several months before realising how I hated it and it wasn't even in a "difficult" place - game industry is one of the worst in this domain.

Meh, I doubt I can help you feel better, but maybe you should consider a career completely unrelated and keep your hobby as a hobby. After all, you definitely have artistic talent and there are probably lots of places where you can monetize them - if only to use them for games on a personal level.

Archeia_Nessiah said...

I worked for Mobile Game Companies and stuff before too. That's why I wanted to do it.

Kread-EX said...

If you did like it professionally, then you shouldn't give up! It's widely known that programming courses in school are subpar - learning Java won't really make you an ideal game programmer.
Take it as something to add on your CV.

Archeia_Nessiah said...

I was mostly a graphics person though, not a programmer :C

But orz, I guess there's no real choice is there?

Toomas said...

When I was asked to attend a regional transmedia conference in Europe people pursued me to represent Estonian game industry, then I thought a lot about how I relate to the industry and what is my role in it. It was then when I clearly realised that there are actually two distinct worlds.

One is the traditional game industry, into which you can enter and have a specific role. Work and money are easier to find, but it is harder to work on something you love. You're dependant on publishers, investors and any other interested parties involved. Of couse, if you just join a big company, then you don't need to worry about stuff like that. You just do what you are assigned to do, not much different than working on whatever else day job.

But there is also an indie gamedev world. Now this is an interesting one, offers lots of challenges, doesn't get boring, you do what you like. But getting money is hard, real hard. Also being a successful indie is very difficult if you want to make money for living. You need pretty solid skills too.

In the end I decided that I can speak on that conference as a representative of indie game industry, because this is what I feel more closely related to. In fact, how could I represent a normal gamedev industry when the biggest employer in my own town is making online casino games. I can't speak for them, I have not contacts with them nor I want to have.

Soo... (worrying about reply getting too long) I don't know what would be best for you, only you can figure it out. But being indie is cool, and if you're skilled and lucky enough, then you might have a change to make living out of it. But it is hard, I can tell, because I've been in that limbo for years now. In a sence you are already an indie developer, but doing it as a hobby. If you just continue with that, it'll be enough, but you souldn't give up on developing skills (and I know you won't). If programming is not for you then maybe those are not the skills to develop, but it definately is not a bad thing to know. For me the dream is to be universal and skilled enough to jump on any boat that I find thrilling, the freedom of choice, I guess. Constantly and conciously reducing life-is-a-bitch factor.

(blah blah blah... could talk about freedom of coice and happiness relation, but no, written too much here already)

Seiryuki said...

Man, I feel the same way. It's as if someone else is expressing my feelings. (Except for the part with Computer Programming...I'm a really good programmer; I see code).

Keep trying. Keep pushing yourself and learn from the bad/disappointing things that happen in life and move on.

I don't know your background, but my life has been tough and it still is. It might even seem to be getting worse. But I love creating things (and everything you said in the first 2 paragraphs). I'll never stop doing that. I know that feeling in my stomach that gets me so excited that my love for creating grows exponentially when I start creating. I don't care about money either. I just love creating and designing games.

NEVER give up. You show the world that your way is YOUR way and you rule it. Do anything you want. Treat yourself at times.

I'm suspecting that you're a perfectionist???
So am I. I've learned to work around the negative qualities of a perfectionist and shine for as much people as I can.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, Ness!

I, too, am a university student stuck in expectations like a bird in a cage wanting to fly away and find a better cage. Or at least, that's how I feel.

I chose the Computer Engineering path as my career, and am currently still studying. But right now, I feel like what I'm learning is something my heart and passion is not set for. I thought learning hardware, circuits, and other electronics stuffs would make each and every day of my life happy and complete. It turns out that I easily get bored now with those stuffs aforementioned, but if I'm making a game... it feels like... there's no stopping me. I even had a sleepless week just to finish a VX game just for a contest. The feeling I had working with games and art is simply irreplaceable.

It seems though that the 5 years I am spending in college studying electronics will not make the best in me.

Now, I'm not sure what to do after I graduate next year, but expectations keep telling me that I should find a serious job. I actually wanted to explore arts and game design more than ever. I even wanted to visit Global Art Katipunan once and learn even the basics of arts with possibly kids 10 years younger than me. I want to study things I would love to do and enter Game Design and Multimedia Arts like a BOSS. But the final boss named "Expectations" are telling me I'm too late, that I am the eldest in our family and I should be responsible as the eldest brother. Yeah...

Life is truly difficult.

Anonymous said...

...What a coincidence. I was writing my new year's resolution blogpost and I stumbled accross your... rant? Lament? Well, post that is.

I think we're more or less facing the same problem here. When you are forced to do things you don't like, hate, or loathe, just to make a living for yourself. You're told to "get serious" which means tossing away everything--well, not exactly everything, but pretty much most of it--away.

The solution is...

...Sell your dreams. As in, start making AND selling games. Make either of that skills of yours in making games emphasize itself, and you'll have a fair chance of getting a big company like Square Enix or GUST digging your skill. And then, of course, being decently paid.

Even better, start your own indie company! :) If you're confident it could go boom like ORANGE_JUICE (the creator of Suguri) or EasyGameStation (the creator of Chantelise and the rest).

You've got skills, that means you've got hope. All that remains that are you brave enough to take your chance.

...Because life is choice! (that's what my religion teacher always said)

AshleyLacure said...

AshleyL: The real worlds a bitch, so I have fun with my hobbies, but I used to be an artist a pretty good one at that, but I had to stop to focus to get into college. Now Im a fresh graduate, job on the way and enjoying my hobbies. My point is dont be discouraged, push through obstacles and in some cases find a new path if needed. You have a support group and if worst come to worst you can try and work for a video game company. :)

Anonymous said...

Rant time...

I disagree with the above statement, but only the one part. The real world isn't a bitch. That's just something realists say to convince you. Our society is built by realists, more than optomists, but it's the creative ones that has given us a better reality. Life is what you make it out to be. No one person has to subscribe to everyone elses reality. After all "If reality is as everyone perceives it, then there is NO reality as a collective." Many great minds and spiritual leaders have agreed that you can do anything you want, reality is a floor you don't neccessarily have to build things on... Don't give up miss nessiah, The answers will reveal themselves to you in time, then you will have to decide on your own what you think is best. It's up to you to decide your own path, and fill it with travelers that understand. Technically you don't even have to take advice from me unless that's your choice. But I digress, I wish you happiness and a long life. Have a good day and have pleasant life (^_^)

How do we know that the sky is not green and we are all colour-blind?

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. -John Lennon

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion. -Democritus

I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time! -Unknown

If I choose abstraction over reality, it is because I find it the lesser chaos. -Robert Brault

Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement... let me go upstairs and check. -M.C. Escher

Everything you can imagine is real. -Pablo Picasso

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -Jules de Gaultier

Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling? -M.C. Escher

Melki said...

Hi there, I don't know exactly how life is for you. But hang in there, I like your artwork in Valthirian Arc.

JosephSeraph said...

I don't have time to read all the comments and stuff (lan house, strict time, low money and no home pc) but all /i have to say is that you are one of my greatest inspirations, what i might say can be unrelated since /i've read this a month ago and I've just got a chance to reply now but... Well, I'm a big, huge fan of yours, your work is truly magical and special, and your games, your art, your work, even though obviously drawn from (obvious) strong influences, is very unique and I love it to no end. Your style is unique, marvelous, and I cherish you very much as an artist and person. You are great. What you do is great. You, thus, cannot give up. And as me, a person who loves your work and your essence so much, I'm sure there are more people you conquered so hard with not only your skills but with your heart, and if you keep trying, more and more will get to know you and your amazing, brilliant work! Please, keep moving on, this may be asking too much and being ignorant on my part since i'm not living your life, but i'm saying because my heart tells me that as much as your... Essence, i don't know, your... Umm.. I can't quite call it style. But... Well. You WILL captivate many, many more people as fiercely as you captivated me and so many other people that love your work so never give up, and in times of harshness, you can always close your eyes and remember of the people who love what you do and always think about you. I know it's weird and stuff but I actually think of you as a big sister (more of an idol, since I rarely speak to you but), and it pains me to see this happening to you, but... well...

GO ON! That's all I unfortunatelly have to say. Such an extensive, almost futile comment just to say "go on", eh? But it is so. Please, believe. >':

I, and many more people, will be always thinking of you 'k? >:
Sorry for the unnecessary long text. Since I have no time to clean this up it's basically a brainstormed text! :s

Archeia_Nessiah said...

I know I haven't replied for a while now. And I just want everyone to know that whenever I open up this blog, I always read the comments here since they're great to read. It makes me feel that I know that I'm not alone out there and I'm not being an idiot or anything like that.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I'm doing my best not to let the downs in life hit me too much and just strive to make games for everyone to enjoy!

I hope all of us can achieve that dream and focus our life on doing artistic self expression/works that we all enjoy the most and want to spend our life on. :)

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