Reflection and Expectations

Contractor

I really love making games.

Just the very idea of it makes me giddy and happy. The whole creative process. The prototyping, the story ideas and the unique gameplay mechanics and what I want to do makes me want it more and more. I mean, sure games take tons of work and effort. Coding, Level Design and so forth. But it never stopped me from trying! I don't think I can treat game making as a hobby but something that I rely on a lot and want as a job. Nothing makes me happier but to make RPG* games all the time. It feels like it's the vein of my life.

When it comes to real life, I barely care about money, I don't even want to be in a job with super high salary, I just want a job that is just enough to sustain my living and help me buy the stuff I need to make better games and possibly pay people to help me with them.

The more I go on with my life, the more things phase to me. All this time, I've been doing things I don't really want to, because it's important. As a kid that I think was a good enough excuse since you know, I just need to do what my parents expect me to do and it's not like that's big of a deal and I really need to learn these stuff. But when you reach that point that you know your future is in the line and you have no complete control or freedom over it. And that the one that only makes you happy the most isn't something you can't even be serious with because of expectations and all that stuff.

I just don't feel anything anymore.

I don't like learning Computer Science or Information Technology over here. Mostly because I don't know what the sh*t I am doing and supposed to do. I get these syntax, but how do I apply it on what I need to learn? I read things and all I get is programmer English which is tougher to understand and translate than a Hymmnos codex in my entire life. Technology upgrades so fast and a lot of schools get left behind. Not enough people to teach about it and all that stuff. It feels like why am I here and why do I even bother? And a critical thing hit me when I was listening to Seitokai no Ichizon Drama CDs, particularly, Mafuyu said a very obvious one. A hobby is a hobby until the end.

Which is what I feel strongly about programming. I don't like programming in school. It bores the hell out of me whenever we were given activities. A lot of my ...professors barely hit the mark with what I want to learn. I'm expected to self learn these, well I guess I understand that's what we need to do. But to have many unrelated subjects that is also equally boring and tedious and other stupid real life distractions, I came across one conclusion - I don't like programming as a job. If by anything, some decent knowledge about it so I could do the features I *want* for the game. I don't want to be a computer science student or an information technology student (I can barely get wires to have that USB port thingy anyway).

Then there's the subject of Art. I want to learn art to improve and to draw the areas that I had been dying to draw. I want to make sure the atmosphere and the feeling I'm trying to convey is obvious to the players when they try to play the game. I don't need to be a BADASS Artist that can draw as good as Leonardo Da Vinci or something. I just want to make a good game with decent art. I want to be reasonable on what I can do and what I should have to do. Not mastery of skills.

When we made Princess Princess, I got this feeling of enlightenment if that's the word to describe it. In fact, I'll go far and say I rediscovered my love for game making even. It was just fun and the feedback was good. It just...made me happy. It's not unique graphically and all that stuff, it was the whole experience that got me in game design in the first place. Visuals don't make a game but it certainly helps a lot with presentation, it was just fun and something I realize that something I want to do for the rest of my life.

Too bad making free games can't feed you.
Too bad that real life is a bitch.
Too bad that I don't have enough skills and time to even learn it fully.

I guess you could say that if I could, I'd probably stop college and find work and just make games or I would go to another university and take an art course or something, I don't know. I rather teach elementary kids and so forth than just this. I enjoy teaching.

Not like these will happen anyway, having your heart shattered 6x over and making you lose sight of what you wanted in the future in the first place with broken promises would only leave an empty feeling. I'm tired of conveying my feelings as much as I want. I'm tired of fighting for it for years now since nobody would listen to it anyway. It's irritating, annoying, frustrating and adwefsfsfsa. It's just...I don't know. Life.